I once sat down with my uncle, Khocha Thomas, over a boys' talk and I instantly decided to vent over a heartbreak. Koi, my high school sweetheart had sent the "It is over" text. Khocha Thomas looked straight at me, picked a cigarette from his old faded rain coat and started blowing smoke and said loudly; "If you've never been woken up from sleep at 3am to wait on a cow to give birth in a rainy night by your mother kindly don't complain to me about your girlfriend dumping you......"
He knew I never liked seeing him smoke because my principles about that habit were very clear, but which African boy can ever have any voice to lecture his uncle? Khocha seemed, or was claimed by my mom, his younger sister, to have failed in life because of his unnecessary attention to backward details like his drinking, smoking and looking at people’s daughters with blue eyes and spending money to amaze friends at nyama choma joints.
Khocha at Sixty years of age had six children, my cousins. It may sound weird but only three of them shared a mother. The rest three had each their own mother, to add, all the four mothers had gotten married (or remarried to those of you who see marriage from an American perspective). That therefore qualified him to the status and award of single parent. You could easily spot him at the village market telling stories about the colonials, Kenya's history or Kenya's politics. He was so good at that and as a nephew, I honestly admired that aspect of Khocha Thomas. But one thing he did as an expert was giving free advice on relationships, marriages and Family. You may wonder about this but trust me, sometimes, people who give the best advice on marriages are unfortunately those from failed ones. I tend to believe they always have had learned very painful lessons and therefore are out to share and warn the rest in a respectful way.
Even in the midst of his advices, Khocha would never mention a thing about his ex-wives. Every time anyone asked him about what had happened to his marriage life, he would look down, look back at you and with a small voice he would just say ..'wuuuueh... ningekua na hii akili nikiwa kijana, singekuwa hapa,' I knew Khocha had bitterness on himself, he silently regretted having been reckless with family. He always wished to start over but time wasn't on his side.
He continued with his story about cows giving birth at night:
“Growing in a poor home in the village can teach you patience, humility, respect and character without you paying any fee. To make it worse, you spent the whole of the previous day harvesting maize and stocking it so you slept at midnight and have to get ready for school by six o’clock in the morning. It is seven in the morning you're still waiting on the placenta to fall just after teaching the calf how to suckle. You're very late to school so you can't afford breakfast and obviously a shower. You just get dressed and arrive to school late to be clobbered at the gate by the teacher on duty who happens to be your neighbor and knows so well what you went through yesterday.
Your desk mate keeps complaining about someone in class who has been smelling weird. Weird in this case is freshly harvested corn, raw cow milk, cow placenta and cow dung. You care less about such complains as the complainant understands little or nothing about being a farmer’s kid. You infect feel sorry every time they are dropped to school by their father who drives a Peugeot 504. "Si hiyo ni kuharibu mtoto?".
Some of the questions you ask yourself throughout the day is why farm animals just decide to give birth at midnight on rainy nights, why you even have cows and why your friends fear and even run away from animals. Tomorrow is Saturday, by the end of it, I shall be smelling differently. This time, it is going to be cattle dip, goat placenta and bananas. On Sunday after church you'll smell coffee berries, on Monday tractor oil and Tuesday something else then now get a chance to shower on Wednesday because there shall be a school trip on Thursday to Kitale show ground to still look at the very cows and goats you just left at home. "
Through that narrative that sounds like an off topic, Khocha was trying to explain to a twenty-four-year-old me that there are many things in life that were more painful that a breakup. I'm not even listening but keenly watching him continue blowing his cigarette which my now is irritating me. ".... where I come from, it was never over until you stood up boldly to fix the situation and most importantly, fix yourself. Go son and fix yourself, fix your character, attitude and perspective towards life because it's not going to be over..."..
So, this is my favorite uncle with whom I had chosen to share my heart break. Your ordinary boy hadn't slept. Sometimes you look at the things you used to do as a young person in the name of love and just wonder how foolish you were. I'm now confused from the advice I just received. Local man had just told me that it was not going to be over.
Just as Khocha Thomas still battles alcoholism, broken marriages and regret in life, he must fix himself, fix his character and attitude towards life. Because man, must live.
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